Riches Can't Rival A Royal Barbie
Sun Herald
Sunday October 8, 2006
Forget the fine china and pass the cooler, David Whitley writes. A few chips and dips wouldn't go amiss
HMM, you could probably fit a fair few packets of Burger Rings on that ... It is possibly the grandest piece of table ornamentation I have ever seen, making the good set that mum keeps in the attic for special occasions look like cheap tat bought at the market. Silver, with gold plating, intricately carved and looking entirely at home in its opulent surroundings, it's fit for a king. Or, if we're being technical about it, for a Queen - this is Buckingham Palace after all. And what a banqueting hall. No wonder heads of state from around the world are brought here in order to be fed and thoroughly impressed. A few chips and dips wouldn't go amiss though.It's funny how your mood at the time colours your impression of a place. To tired eyes, even the Taj Mahal can seem a trifle disappointing, while to a body exhausted from walking, Machu Picchu can be a nice place to sit down rather than one of the wonders of the world. Similarly, all the opulence of Buckingham Palace's state rooms pass you by when your concentration is on the bizarre sign at the start of the tour saying "No Picnicking". When you're on the lunchtime tour, you've not had breakfast and you've spent the morning marching round London at breakneck speed, this holds the attention perhaps more than it should. So forget the huge galleries of paintings, the massive, cascading chandeliers and personalised thrones, just what is it that they have against people wanting a bite to eat? Trying to find so much as a sandwich near the grounds is an impossible task, and surely they can't begrudge us tucking into a bag of crisps while sitting at the stool of a priceless old piano? Especially after having to queue for so long.Maybe it's a big surprise. That's it - Prince Philip is in the gardens at the end of the tour, in his VB apron, rustling up a fantastic barbecue. Of course - they just don't want you to spoil your appetite! The Queen's just putting the finishing touches on her famous potato salad, and the princes have gone down to the shops for more tomato sauce. The almost laughably reverent commentary on the audio tour will be worth groaning through. The plummy voice might be going into far too much detail about a painting of an old king, but chin up, think of Phil's handmade burgers at the end. Hmm, burgers ... The envy is not just directed at those who had a healthy round of toast in the morning though, the amount of money on display is truly breathtaking. The Queen has coffee tables that cost more than your house, and that's just scratching the surface. Even the wallpaper looks like it's been handmade by magical wood fairies at an extortionate cost - no peeling job-lots from Bunnings here. Jammy, spoiled, privileged so-and-sos ... In fact, if it wasn't for Liz and Phil finishing the hot dogs as we glare through green eyes, one could really grow to hate them.
© 2006 Sun Herald